Monday, October 11, 2010

Assumptions and Explanations

We had something similar to this at our last doctor appointment. I assumed that the new doc we were seeing for that appointment would read the chart and have some basic info about us and Noah. I guess not. She starts off asking about the birth and we give the basics about the delivery and such. Then she mentions the word adoption and things got confusing for us all. Because we had just explained that Nerdstar had delivered Noah just fine, I thought she might have insight enough to ask if I'd adopted Noah, but me explaining that VA isn't a friendly state seemed to confuse the doc a lot. I still have no idea why she was bringing up adoption. From there it was a really short exam and then the nurse came in and give him his shots.

The other annoying thing about the doc visits is this whole list of questions the nurse or doc asks, such as are there weapons in the house, who all lives in the house, etc. The first time they were asked I thought it was odd, but didn't dwell on it. Then on his second visit they asked all the same questions. I was annoyed and said we just answered them last time. The nurse said they ask them every time. I guess that makes sense in that yes, something could have changed in two months. But on the next visit I'm going to make sure to ask why they ask these questions and if the answers are private or are reported somewhere.

I kinda wish there was some big, red flag in his medical chart saying "lesbian parents."

Just like you never stop coming out as a gay person - every time you get to know someone new you have to decide on telling them or not - it's going to be the same with Noah and his having two moms.

At IHOP, a Chinese waitress asked Nerdstar if her husband was white, she could tell Noah was mixed. The rest of the convo was in Chinese, so I don't know all of what Nerdstar explained. But, we have to decide all the time on just how long and involved a conversation we want to have with anyone who wants to chat with us about Noah. Do we let them keep their assumptions or try to explain? I've got no problem telling anyone and everyone we're both his moms, but it does take time and patience.

And I understand people not leaping to the conclusion we're both his mom. Even if people are used to seeing/recognizing lesbian or gay couples out in public, and I think for the most part people are, the addition of a baby really does change the picture. It's reasonable to people to assume there's a man involved somewhere if there's a baby.

I don't mind it all too much really. I learned a long time ago I am under no obligations to tell anyone anything. But I also don't mind having nice conversations with random people. I'm sure that's partly because I've never had anyone be a total jerk.


meridith said...

What weird questions! I'd be inerested in knowing too why they ask. Funny that our posts fall on National Coming Out day. You know, i just really wish we didn't have to have a day, but I'l guess I'll take what I can get.

Beth said...

Yeah, they ask about five or six questions like that. I definitely need to be ready to ask why.

I realized after I wrote my post it was NCO day. We've always been bad lesbians and in 11 years have gone to exactly one gay pride event.

Sarah said...

Interesting post...things I've never thought about.

But I do think of you two frequently when my husband does something boneheaded and sigh, "I bet it's easier if two women raise a baby..." :)

Beth said...

Sarah - I figure parenting is parenting. We both do boneheaded things. I wouldn't say it's easier with two women. As long as we're both working to do what's best for the kiddo and trying to take care of each other in the process...

Melissa said...

That's very strange.

Jay said...

There's a list of apparently state mandated questions the doctor asks at checkups. Stuff like smoking in the house, car seats, etc. Don't believe they ask us about weapons, which I'd consider over the top. New doctor has to be weird. I've had the same one for almost 10 years, and he's a "family practice" specialist, so he doubles as our "pediatrician" and is the only primary doc the kids have ever had. He knew me before I was married and is almost as much a friend as a doctor. I can't imagine having to "break in" an entirely new doctor.