I've been pondering for a few days just how much time I spend thinking about the past. I think about people I used to know, be close to, that are just gone now. I wonder how they're doing, what they're doing. But probably more than that, I spend a lot of time thinking about my life, the things that have happened in it and so on. It's like if I can just review it all enough, think about it all enough, I can make it all make sense, can form a coherent narrative out of it.
Then the other day I realized that's not so great. There comes a point where I need to say ok, the past is past. Be done with it. And there are things I've done that with. It would be better if I started focusing on the future.
Last night I had an amazing thought. The reason I don't focus on the future is because for so long I've been scared of it. I'm not sure when that started. I know I felt that way back when Nerdstar was in Iraq. I didn't handle it well, all the worrying. It was hard to think about the future when on any given day she could get killed. (She had a couple of close calls.) Then there was a hard transition for us when she came back. Then we moved, and moved, and moved. Even now we don't know how long we're going to stay here in the DC area.
Another big reason I didn't always like thinking about the future was that I could never be sure we'd ever have kids. And thinking that might never happen always made me so sad.
So, now life is pretty good. We have a decent house, we have our Noah Maxx, our relationship keeps improving.
Now maybe I can retrain my brain to let go of the past and maybe even let go of the future, or at least not dread it.
I can say that in the past six months I've gotten much better at just being in the moment. I can sit with Noah and feed him, or watch him play and just be content.
3 years ago