I've talked a little bit about this with a couple of people, thought I'd go ahead and share it here.
The worrying I'm doing over the baby is pretty much the same as the worrying I did over Nerdstar was she was deployed to Iraq. The worry is always in the back of my head, but sometimes it's worse than others. In both cases, at any given moment all could go horribly wrong - and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Two things are better now - it won't last nearly as long as the military deployment. And I get to at least have Nerdstar in sight most of the time.
Nerdstar had her first sonogram today. I was amazed they would even do one this early, we're only on day 27. (They do it internally.)
I was even more amazed that in spite of being only about the size of a piece of rice, we could definitely see a pulsing heartbeat. WOW!
It's not twins as far as they can tell. That's probably for the best, although it sure would have been fun!
Still lots of worrying in my future - but every day I worry a little less. I must admit, this is the one time Nerdstar's lack of worrying is actually helpful for me. Her calm helps me be calm.
We still talk to Pinhead every night, and say our prayers most of them.
me: I put on twitter/FB we were wondering about when babies can think.... pixie answered: @BeththePQ when it kicks after you say something it doesn't like.
Ching: Good one!
me: i replied that you're already asking it to be nice to you
Ching: why not?
me: exactly
Ching: Ask Pinhead! What does it want to eat from day to day... that would be a segment
on our podcast
me: well dear, you have 2 blogs to choose from to put that on
Ching: i know
me: :-)
Ching: what would you ask Pinhead? me: i dunno yet
I really can't express and explain just how long we've been talking about having kids, planning on having kids, joking about having kids. Years. Nerdstar wanted them way before I did. In fact, it was when my brother had my nephew 8 and 1/2 years ago that I first thought, hey, I'd like one of those!
Anyway. It seems like the dream is starting to come true. And it's wonderful and scary as hell. The night after the first positive pee stick I kept waking up in a panic, so afraid she's start her period at any minute. I told her if we made it through the weekend I'd be happy.
I know that as this point most women don't even know they're pregnant. This morning Nerdstar had the official blood test. She's apparently very pregnant, whatever that means. The nurse keeps asking if we want one or two - our answer is yes, one or two would be great!
We're calling it Pinhead because that's about how big it is. I put my hands on Nerdstar's belly every night in bed and tell Pinhead, "Hang in there! Don't fall out!" We thank God for it and ask Him to make it grow. It barely exists and yet I already feel so protective. There are moments it really sinks in how much our lives have just changed. Yet, it's way too early to even start getting things ready. I'm overly aware of just how tentative this little life is for now.
The insemination was fifteen days ago. On the other tries, the blood flowed on day 14, so once we made it through yesterday, then through last night, then most of today, we were hopeful enough to do the pee test when she got home from work.
We'll call the doc's office in the morning and see what's next. I told Nerdstar she just has to keep it in there! No letting it fall out :-)
I'm happy, but cautiously so. I know that it could just as easily end tomorrow, or the next day. I'm not sure when I stop holding my breath so to speak. I know I'll cry when there's a sonogram - but it probably won't feel real before then. Although, we're already talking to it!
Nerdstar is already acting like an invalid - saying she's practicing for later. Uh huh.
Today was our fourth attempt at getting preggers in two years.
This time was a little different. On Monday morning she went and got an ultrasound or some such thing to see if there was an egg in there ready for action. There was. So, I had to give her a shot in the thigh Monday night to get the egg in motion. This morning we went to the doc's office for the insemination. When Nerdstar looked at the sperms under the microscope all she said was "They're tiny!" That cracked up the doc and nurse.
I was joking with Nerdstar in the waiting room that if this try doesn't take I'm going to start sending her out to bars with one of our single friends and she can get some dude drunk and take advantage of him and get knocked up the old fashioned way :-) The ladies at the doc's office almost thought that was funny.
Now we're back in the two week waiting game. There's no way to not be positive and optimistic and hopeful. But there's also no way to wish a baby into existence. And there's no way to know anything before two weeks is up.
Sigh. It really sucks to spend 12 days sort of trying not to hope and be optimistic, and then find yourself hoping and being optimistic anyway - only to have all hope and optimism come to an abrupt end.
No baby this try.
But I am optimistic (ugh) it won't be eight months before the next try.
