I've been thinking lately that I don't know how to be a Christian.

My parents joined a church when I was five, and they still attend that church.  I think I've attended church more years of my life than not.  I've probably read the Bible through two or three times.  I'm pretty well versed in theology. 

But I had a thought a few weeks ago that really shook me.

If no one knows you're a Christian unless you tell them, are you doing it right?

I've been reading the Gospels during this time.  Yes, Jesus hung out with tax collectors and sinners.  But His message was pretty tough.  He talks about plucking out your eye, or cutting off your foot or hand if it causes you to stumble - because it's better to be lame than in hell.  Heck, I'm not even good at turning off tv shows.

Every time it mentions Him healing the sick and casting out demons, it starts by saying He had compassion on them.  Also, there were lots of people with demons in those days - wonder if it's still true today and if so how would we know? One other interesting thing about the demons - they all knew exactly who Jesus was and why He was here - not even the disciples really understood that until later. 

Anyway.  Jesus was a radical with a strong message to any who wanted to follow Him.  The disciples tend to make me laugh.  I'm sure Jesus did lots of eye rolls in their direction.  I think there could be a great comedy movie in there somewhere.

Things I think I kinda get right.  I'm a pretty empathetic/compassionate person.  I try very hard to listen to that "still small voice" that I believe is God talking to us, and act on what I hear.  And I'm amazingly grateful - for my life, for nature, for trees and birds and sunsets and all the small things.  I also try very hard to be nice to strangers when out and about.  I smile at people walking by, things like that.  I often hope it can be that small thing that makes a difference. 

But I get caught in this notion that being a Christian is this complete devotion and surrender, every moment, every day.  And one of my all time favorite books in being a Christian, The Christian Secret of a Happy Life, teaches about our responsibility and God's responsibility in our lives/faith.  Our job is simply to have faith, and God's is to do the action part.  But even that seems hard sometimes.

I often think about being a "good steward" in the small things - you know, home and family.  And boy do those seem to be full of land mines.  My inclination toward depression and impatience make this hard.  If I can't be a Christian at home, how can I anywhere else?  If I can't serve Noah and Ching...  (Although today I was thinking about how much time I spend literally serving Noah snacks all day and hoped that counts!)

C. S. Lewis has some great writings about the very subtle sins that crop up in family life.  I haven't read it in over 20 years, but the basic message sticks with me.  He also wrote great stuff about "love your neighbor as yourself" and just how much and in what ways we love ourselves - part of which is always giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt in our motivations.  Do I do that for others?  It's hard.

I don't know.  I don't know why all of this is on my mind so much. 

Making Friends is Hard

About three months ago, we had one of Noah's classmates and his mom over for a play date.  The boys had fun being totally goofy, and I enjoyed talking with the other mom.  Since then, that boy seems to be Noah's favorite classmate - he is always happy to see him at school in the morning, he even says hi to the mom in his own silly way.  There always lots of chatting and a little fun for the boys before class starts.

I kinda follow the my turn/your turn principle of getting together.  I'll do an invite and then I assume if the other person wants to get together again, they'll do an invite.  Well, there's never been a second play date.  On a couple of days when we ended up not having school because of snow or something, I sent out some invites to this mom and a few others, one time to the whole email list for his classmates.  Nothing. 

Here's where I get sad.  The mom has mentioned other plat dates and the boy have had.  These could have been with neighborhood kids, not classmates.  But I know Noah would love to play with this little boy again.  And I don't feel like I can make that happen.  And I don't know why it's not. 

Of course the other mom could just be busy and all that - nothing personal or anything.  But I don't really know how to navigate this territory and it makes me sad all around.  Sad because Noah loves being around his "friends" so much, and sad because I like these other moms and was hoping to make some new friends. 

Christmas at 3 1/2

Noah still didn't really get the whole Christmas thing this year.  He watched Mickey Mouse Christmas specials and Curious George Christmas specials, but that's about it.  He loves snowmen.  I think he might still be more into pumpkins from Fall/Thanksgiving.  He does really enjoy all the lights and decorations on the houses!

So, we kept things pretty small again this year.  We hung the stockings, put some lights around the tree outside.  I've had my stocking my entire life.  My Mom made the ones for Ching and Noah.  I'm happy we have a fireplace to hang them over! 

About two months ago, Noah decided he was really, really into fire trucks.  That made deciding what to get him for Christmas easy.  It also made waiting to give it to him until Christmas really hard!  We also got him a little Match Box motorcycle. 

The other thing he's really into is Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  Granny and Pa were great and got him some jammies and t-shirt!  His aunt Jennifer also sent him some really cool clothes.  

The lady who's been walking Ramen for over a year now was also really nice and got Noah a little car for Christmas.  We let him start by opening it and it took some convincing to get him to move on and open other things.  

Next year I'm sure will be a bigger event.  We'll decorate a Christmas tree and actually wrap the presents and put them under it. 

The Dentist, Literally, and Other Thoughts

Noah had his first dentist appointment the other day.  About seven weeks ago we noticed that one of his front teeth was starting to turn a little grey.  The internets said that as long as the gums were ok, it was nothing to worry about.  We figured getting it checked out couldn't hurt.

At the dentist, he went right back with the lady and got up on the chair and began his usual stoic, good response.  They did a quick check of everything and a cleaning.  Towards the end he got a little upset, but we didn't even have the silent tears!  The dentist said everything looked good.  I told him I was really proud of him and thanked him for being such a good kid, but I'm not sure how much he gets that.

One thing that's caught my attention lately is how Noah is completely literal.  So far, there's no sign of imagination or pretend.  His speech is coming along.  He's talking more and in longer phrases, his vocabulary continues to grow.  One of his most used phrases is still "what's that?"  We have no idea when he'll change to why instead of what.  He's also still very undeterred, once he says he wants something, he is relentless until he gets it - or we sometimes succeed in changing the subject.  I was talking with Ching about the literalness, and how it seems that once we lose that, we're never that literal again.  I don't know how to explain it better.  I just find it interesting.

In other news, I put on facebook the other day that everything Noah knows about Christmas, he's learned from Curious George and Mickey Mouse Christmas specials.  We did a little decorating this year, but we'll do more next year.  I also said that I'm more impatient and excited to give Noah his present than I was a kid waiting for mine.  A few weeks ago he started really getting into firetrucks, so we got him a nice Tonka one.  We really can't wait to see his reaction!

My boss away from work

Since I'm pretty much a pushover when it comes to just about everyone, I knew that once Noah had popped out I'd get a new boss.

It started with the normal everyday affairs of bringing up baby, the feedings, washings and keeping him healthy.  Then as he grew older, gotten more active and now more verbal, he now makes sure that he doesn't make me feel left out when I am not at work.

He wants me to do everything for and with him, gets me to drive him to Starbucks for fruit and cheese (not a everyday occurrence), marches me around like a little drill sergeant, makes me click countless times to get to the Youtube videos that he wants to watch, and just in general, finding and pushing my buttons.

What can I do?  Because of my crazy work commute, I might get to spend maybe 3 hours with him after work before his bedtime (Probably typical with parents who work in this area.)  So that is kind of like an effort to make the time spent with him mostly quality time, even if it means being bossed around.  Even though he can get a bit crazy when I'm around (picture being hyped up on something) his sweetness and spontaneity make it all worthwhile!  (Unless I'm dog-tired.)

Winter Blues

I love the weather here in Northern Virginia.  I love having four seasons.  But... last winter was really long and cold and mostly dry.  Over the summer, I told Ching that this winter would be a wet one.  I was hoping it wouldn't be quite so cold though.  So far, really cold and wet. 

This is not good for an outdoors boy.  Or his Mom.  Noah doesn't like to sit and color, or play with a train set, or sit and do much of anything - other than watch Curious George or Jake and the Neverland Pirates, and play semi-educational apps on the kindle.  (They at least go over the alphabet and shapes and colors.) 

We did get to go to the park one day last week.  I realized how much I miss sitting outside in the sunshine and looking at all the trees. 

We would bundle up and try going to the park more often, but it's up on a hill so the winds are unbearable.  In the summer it makes for a nice breeze, in the winter it goes through your bones.  And also, there's that wet snow and ice we've had lately. 

There is one decent indoor place to go play and we go sometimes.  Almost all of the rec center stuff is for four year olds.  School was supposed to be a good place to go, but man, they've been out of school more than in it since the first of November.  And the two week Christmas break is coming.  The other moms are looking forward to some play dates, too!

Anyway.  Just gotta keep at it and find things to do until Spring. 

Noah Just Lost His Mind

We had a nice, quiet Thanksgiving here at home this year.  We cooked all our favorites for the day and are enjoying the leftovers.  Who needs scented candles when there's a pot of soup simmering on the stove all day with the turkey bones in it? 

It's also been really cold again so far this winter.  We went to the park with Noah Thursday, but it was 34 outside with a cold wind blowing, we made it about ten minutes.  Friday, it was 44 and we were there about forty minutes. 

I'm not a fan of this holiday weekend because of all the traffic and the crazy people out at the malls and restaurants.  It makes it hard to just get out of the house and do something. 

So, we've been inside a lot.  Noah's been watching Curious George episodes on amazon prime for a while now.  I found the Curious George 2 movie on netflix for him.  He's watched it twice a day, at least, for five days now. He wakes up and asks for "George - elephant!"  The good thing is it allows us time to relax, make our coffee, figure out breakfast while he watches it. 

It's also made it tempting to buy a cheap tv for him so we don't have to watch all of that George with him.  But, no.  Some people would say it's bad enough he's watching so much tv.  At least we can use it as a time for being together, quietly, and snuggling. 

In the past week or two, Noah has really started using the word STOP.  If we're talking to each other and not him - STOP.  Or just doing whatever it is he'd rather we didn't - STOP!  He never really got into the typical toddler NO phase, I guess this is what he's doing instead.  I guess I use "stop" with him more than I use "no".  This morning, Ching was going to head upstairs, and Noah was all "stop, stop, stop" until she said "what?" He wanted her to get his vitamin for him.  Heh. 

Noah's also lost his damn mind a couple of times lately. 

The other night we were watching George and I asked him if I could light the fire in the fireplace.  He said "ok!"  Then, I did, and he started shouting "STOP, turn it off!!  Stop!  No!  HOT!" and running around the room.  WTF?  We'd had a fire in the fireplace the week before and it was fine.  I can only guess that the fire starts off bigger than he'd seen before and it worried him.  He wouldn't go upstairs to get away from it though.  About ten minutes later, it was all fine. 

Yesterday, he amazingly slept until 9 a.m.  Woohoo!  We finally went to the park and got a late lunch, so we decided that instead of a late nap and staying up until 11 pm or so with him, we'd skip the nap and put him to bed early.  This doesn't happen often, but it happens.  About 7 pm we tell him it's bath time.  We get him in the bathroom and on his little potty - and then he loses his mind.  He won't get off the potty, won't get in the bathtub.  Nothing.  I finally have to carry him to his room, but on his diaper and pajamas and put him in bed.  I think it took him 15 minutes to fall asleep.  Poor boy.  He slept until 8 this morning.  No more skipping naps!

I put on FB that parenting would be much easier of the rules didn't change all the time.  But they do, just like Noah does.  And, really, I guess that's a good thing.