I really can't express and explain just how long we've been talking about having kids, planning on having kids, joking about having kids. Years. Nerdstar wanted them way before I did. In fact, it was when my brother had my nephew 8 and 1/2 years ago that I first thought, hey, I'd like one of those!
Anyway. It seems like the dream is starting to come true. And it's wonderful and scary as hell. The night after the first positive pee stick I kept waking up in a panic, so afraid she's start her period at any minute. I told her if we made it through the weekend I'd be happy.
I know that as this point most women don't even know they're pregnant. This morning Nerdstar had the official blood test. She's apparently very pregnant, whatever that means. The nurse keeps asking if we want one or two - our answer is yes, one or two would be great!
We're calling it Pinhead because that's about how big it is. I put my hands on Nerdstar's belly every night in bed and tell Pinhead, "Hang in there! Don't fall out!" We thank God for it and ask Him to make it grow. It barely exists and yet I already feel so protective. There are moments it really sinks in how much our lives have just changed. Yet, it's way too early to even start getting things ready. I'm overly aware of just how tentative this little life is for now.
The insemination was fifteen days ago. On the other tries, the blood flowed on day 14, so once we made it through yesterday, then through last night, then most of today, we were hopeful enough to do the pee test when she got home from work.
We'll call the doc's office in the morning and see what's next. I told Nerdstar she just has to keep it in there! No letting it fall out :-)
I'm happy, but cautiously so. I know that it could just as easily end tomorrow, or the next day. I'm not sure when I stop holding my breath so to speak. I know I'll cry when there's a sonogram - but it probably won't feel real before then. Although, we're already talking to it!
Nerdstar is already acting like an invalid - saying she's practicing for later. Uh huh.
Today was our fourth attempt at getting preggers in two years.
This time was a little different. On Monday morning she went and got an ultrasound or some such thing to see if there was an egg in there ready for action. There was. So, I had to give her a shot in the thigh Monday night to get the egg in motion. This morning we went to the doc's office for the insemination. When Nerdstar looked at the sperms under the microscope all she said was "They're tiny!" That cracked up the doc and nurse.
I was joking with Nerdstar in the waiting room that if this try doesn't take I'm going to start sending her out to bars with one of our single friends and she can get some dude drunk and take advantage of him and get knocked up the old fashioned way :-) The ladies at the doc's office almost thought that was funny.
Now we're back in the two week waiting game. There's no way to not be positive and optimistic and hopeful. But there's also no way to wish a baby into existence. And there's no way to know anything before two weeks is up.
Sigh. It really sucks to spend 12 days sort of trying not to hope and be optimistic, and then find yourself hoping and being optimistic anyway - only to have all hope and optimism come to an abrupt end.
No baby this try.
But I am optimistic (ugh) it won't be eight months before the next try.
I didn't really realize just how long it had been since our last try until the other day.
Well, Monday was squirt day. I was so afraid it wasn't all going to work out.
We were in Atlantic City for the weekend, and according to prior tracking, Nerdstar wasn't supposed to ovulate until Monday, which would have been great. But me being me, I took along the pee sticks just in case. Sure enough, 5 a.m. Sunday she gets up to pee and there are two pink lines. Ugh. This meant a whole day of me worrying about things before we could find out possibilities Monday morning.
On her way into work Monday morning Nerdstar has to contact the sperm bank and see if it's possible for me to pick up the container that day. They say yes, but it's an extra $100. Fine. In the past we couldn't pick up the same day we called, so this is good news. Then she has to coordinate with the doctor's office and try to get in on a busy Monday. They tell her to be there before 2. Ugh. Now she has to try to explain to her higher ups at work she all the sudden has a doctor's appointment that afternoon. Not fun. In the meantime, I'm driving an hour one way to go pick up the container.
I get to the doc's office about 1:30, the time Nerdstar and I hoped to meet up there. 2:00 rolls around, then 2:30. The people in the doc's office start feeling bad for me and hoping she makes it in time.
About 2:50 Nerdstar finally gets there and we both a little frustrated. Not a good time to be frustrated - relaxed would be better.
The whole insemination takes maybe twelve minutes - ten of which is Nerdstar lying still after.
The nurse who did the procedure said everything looked perfect.
Now it's the weird time - the time between insemination and seeing if it "took." I compared it to Schrodinger's Cat, although that's probably not an entirely accurate comparison. It's just that there's no way to know if there's a baby in the process of forming or not for two weeks. It takes the first ten days or so for sperm to meet egg, egg to wander around, and then finally implant itself in the uterine wall.
Today is day five. Ten more and we'll know if we get to keep worrying about there being a baby in there.
Try 2 didn't take either. I read yesterday that the chance of conception any given month is 20-25%. Ugh.
It's weird to feel sad about losing something that in reality never existed. But there are those crazy two weeks when you end up hoping and planning and wishing into being a little human being.
Yesterday the planets aligned and Nerdstar was ready for insemination take 2. And this time I got to be there with her. I've been telling her for a very long time now that we're going to have twins - a boy and a girl. So after the nurse did her thing and left Nerdstar to chill for a few minutes, I put my hand on her belly and said "Wonder Twins Activate!" hehehehe
I've also been singing 'I'm gonna knock you up" to the tune of "mama says knock you out".
I have no idea the actual odds of her getting preggers this time. So it's another very, very long two weeks of waiting.
